My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
