Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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