He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
