just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
