I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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