Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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