i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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