Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize