Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
