She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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