his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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