I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
