According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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