Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
