it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
