Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
