Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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