I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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