I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
