Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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