Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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