I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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