She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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