That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
