here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
