Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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