You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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