I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
