I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
