I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
