saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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