funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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