I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
