True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize