i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The adults are the big ones right?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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