My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
