i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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