walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
