That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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