Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
