Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
