The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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