I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
