i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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