i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think im going to throw up on grandma
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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