awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
