Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
