at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
