maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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