But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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