mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
