Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
