you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
