im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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