i think my tv is drunk
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
