My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
