I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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