i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
