Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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