I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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