It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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